Seperti yang korang semua ketahui, Perintah Kawalan Pergerakan (PKP) dilanjukan sehingga 14/4/20 tapi ianya tidak memberi kesan apapun pada aku sebab aku still kena bekerja seperti biasa. Buat korang yang senasib dengan aku, semoga korang tetap bersemangat. Jangan lupa face mask and hand sanitizer to bring along with you guys.
Well, percaya tak kalau aku cakap kerana PKP ni, we no entertainment, no hangout, no chillout, sampai kadang kala rasa seperti terpuruk? Tapi aku tahu ni semua untuk kebaikan semua orang. Yang jadi masalahnya, terpuruk dan rasa lonely. Did you feel that? Bukannya aku tak ada kawan, ada walaupun tak ramai, dan bukannya aku tak ada keluarga yang buatkan aku rasa lonely. Cuma, ada sebahagian manusia ni try to make me depressed. I don't want to mention it but I know, you guys trying and trying. And yes, you did it. Berjaya membawa aku ke tahap yang sangat dalam sehingga boleh menimbulkan perasaan depresi. Thank you for your cyber bullying. Satisfied?
I think my depression almost reached in stage of mental illness. I don't need a friend. But I think I need a psychologist. Depression is real. I can't breath normally. I feel chocked. I lie down in tears, hoping not to breath again. I can't move freely. I lie down in pain, hoping not to feel anything again. I see darkness. My head pounding and my heart aches, hoping not to open my eyes again. I know it when I hope it wasn't. I wanted to talk about it (the cause of depression) but I can't. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell. I want to shout about it. But all I could do is be silent with myself.
Pernah tak korang rasa seperti korang dah tak nak tahu apa yang akan jadi lepas ni lagi? Like you don't care about anything, anymore. Yes, I have suddenly lost all my motivation to do anythings. I confused about my feeling and I can't to explain how its feel. I just feel emptiness. Feeling like no one is there for me, no one understands me anymore. It seems like there's nothing to look forward to anymore. No one wishes to have dark days, sleepless nights, grumpy mornings and this endless dark tunnel with no sign that it ever ends. Being depressed isn't a choice.
I always read about depression without any expression until I feel depression with myself. Depression is the most unpleasant thing I have ever experienced. That very deadened feeling, which is so very different from feeling sad. It's so different to explain depression to someone who's never been there, because it's not just sadness. Thank you for some people for make me in this way. Hmm seems like some people just can't keep their mouths shut. You are champion. Nice.
(Living with depression)
Depression creeps upon you quietly. At the very beginning you struggle with the little things, but usually choose to ignore them. It's like a headache. You'll tell yourself it's temporary and it'll pass. It's just another bad day. But it's not. You're stuck in this state of mind. You get used to putting on a social mask and you continue to live among other people, because that's what you have to do. That's what others do.
However, the problem does not go away. You struggle to put on a play every day and it starts to cost you more and more. That is why you fall even deeper and that's when you slowly start to back away from friends and family, sometimes completely shutting them out. All satisfaction is gone. The little things that used to bring you joy are now worthless. Even the simplest tasks become painful. That is why you lack motivation.
Now, why would you keep on trying if nothing makes you happy anyway. All of this makes you feel even worse and you get caught in a vicious circle. Suddenly you find yourself living in slow motion. Days become indistinguishable. Just white noise, just heaviness, filling your mind and spilling over your body. You feel as though you'll never be happy again. You continue to back away and destroy relationships. You're ashamed for everything you've done and everything you haven't. There is a part of you that wants to make things right. A sudden positive upsurge makes you want to go out and meet people but, it's all very short-lived because you know it won't work anyway. Things that make your friends excited leave you indifferent and you became aware of the huge gap that lies between you. Another failure is not an option, so in the end you choose to be alone in your comfort zone where no one asks any questions. The low self esteem and the lack of purpose become unbearable. You finally realize you can't go on that way and two things can happen; you either decide to get some help or you might attempt a suicide.
- Kat Napiorkowska -
Wasalam.
- Leenz
27 March 2020 - 10:17am
(Days 10 - PKP - Covid-19)
